


Reaching for the Sun

by SweetSorcery



Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: 1700s, Age of Sail, Angst, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Time, Hero Worship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Male Slash, Napoleonic Wars, Past Relationship(s), Protectiveness, Romance, Slash, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-31
Updated: 2009-12-31
Packaged: 2017-10-05 13:38:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/42315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetSorcery/pseuds/SweetSorcery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Horatio finds kindness during those first dark days aboard <i>Justinian</i>. Lieutenant Chadd offers much more, but it is something which waits for Horatio elsewhere.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reaching for the Sun

It took Horatio some moments to convince himself that he was not dreaming when he heard the voice. If he had indeed been asleep, he would have long ago fallen and drowned for certain. But when he opened his swollen lids, he saw that he was still in the rigging, holding on for dear life. Dear life... it was no longer so dear to him.

"Mister Hornblower, let me help you."

He allowed someone to gently pry his frozen fingers from the ropes, but instantly, he panicked, clutching onto the sleeves above the warm hands for fear of being let go off.

"Yes, that's right. Take my hand. I have you, sir."

When he was no longer above water, Horatio felt his last energy reserves drain from his body, and he allowed himself to be helped from his precarious position by those helpful hands. Between the cold surrounding every bone in his body, and the pain from his swollen face exposed to the elements for god knew how long, he gave up entirely looking out for himself and let himself fall, not truthfully caring whether he would be caught.

He was caught, however, and found that his arm was draped over a shoulder and that an arm wound itself around his waist. A somewhat familiar voice told him gently what was happening, that he was going to be taken below to warm up and get changed.

"Thank... you..." Horatio managed between chattering teeth. He tried to see who his saviour was, but when he turned his head, squinting painfully against the rain, all he could distinguish was a figure of his own height, clad in a dark raincoat and wearing a lieutenant's hat pulled right down above the hidden face to protect it from the weather.

~ ~ ~

By the time Horatio had been helped out of his wet clothes, wrapped into warm blankets and pushed gently into a chair in front of a small wood stove, his spirits were slowly beginning to return to him.

It turned out that Lieutenant Chadd had rescued him from the rigging and taken him to his own cabin. Horatio had at first protested - not wanting to be a nuisance - but the officer would have none of it, reasoning that if he did not get warmed right through immediately, he would catch his death for sure.

"You have my gratitude, sir." Horatio managed a smile, reaching for the cup of rum offered to him.

Chadd returned the smile but said nothing. He looked concerned.

Horatio felt the heat of the alcohol burn a warming trail down into his stomach, heating him right through. He sighed, feeling one hundred times better than he had done since he had first arrived on _Justinian_.

"Would you like me to take you to Doctor Hepplewhite, Mister Hornblower?" the lieutenant offered, depositing another log in the stove.

Horatio shook his head - a movement causing a fine spray of water from his soaking wet hair. "No, I don't think that is necessary. But thank you all the same, sir."

"You are still freezing," Chadd stated. Indeed, Horatio's lips were blue and his teeth hadn't stopped chattering yet. Chadd walked over to the wash bowl in the corner and picked up a towel laying beside it.

Horatio watched him absently, confused by the kindness bestowed upon him.

Chadd returned and, without comment, placed the towel over Horatio's head. He began to gently squeeze the water from his curls and pat his hair and scalp dry with slow, soothing motions.

Horatio's eyes closed of their own accord - the gentle massage was unbelievable bliss after what he'd been through. He sighed, letting his head loll back. He allowed the officer to dry his hair, and was quite disappointed when the slow rubbing stopped. "May I ask you a question, Lieutenant Chadd?" he asked, his voice a little shaky from the warm feeling spreading through his beaten and weak body.

"Yes, Mister Hornblower?"

"Why? I mean... why are you being so kind to me?" Horatio watched as Chadd returned the towel and came back to sit down in the chair beside him. He noticed the half-smile - a little regretful and mysterious.

"I believe that whatever - or rather whoever - has caused your injuries should not have the satisfaction of seeing you punished for _his_ deed, sir."

Horatio was stunned. After a moment's thought, he said, "What about my refusal to give a name?"

Chadd smiled ruefully. "My days as a midshipman are not so far in the past that I do not remember the circumstances. I am aware - as are the other officers, by the way - that events pass among the midshipmen which are quite inexcusable. Your silence, Mister Hornblower, honours you as much as it harms you. The Navy code is rather... complicated, at times." He cleared his throat. "I did not feel that you needed to suffer any further."

Horatio wondered whether he had served his punishment in its entirety yet. "What of Lieutenant Eccleston, sir?"

"He is aware of my decision and has not made any attempt to dissuade me. He..." Stopping as if he was thinking about sharing something but deciding it was too personal, Chadd stood and took the mug from Horatio's cold fingers to refill it. He returned with more rum but did not finish his sentence.

"Thank you." Horatio was not entirely sure he should be drinking any more, but the strong liquid did his chilled body a world of good, as did sitting by the fire. "May I ask you something else, sir?" he dared.

Chadd smiled. "You are feeling most inquisitive today, Mister Hornblower."

"I apologize."

"No, it is alright. Please, ask your question." Chadd was however stunned when the question came.

"Did you suffer abuse at the hands of other officers when you first joined the Navy, sir?" Horatio swallowed a big gulp of his drink.

Unwilling to lie, Chadd nodded. "I did indeed, Mister Hornblower. I believe that nearly every man in His Majesty's Navy has done so at one time or another."

Horatio's eyes widened. "Truly?" he asked, astonished and sickened by the admission.

"I'm afraid so, yes."

Feeling uncomfortable about his personal questions yet hopeful that perhaps here was someone who might help him find some measure of balance in these hard, early days, Horatio said hesitantly, "Lieutenant Chadd, you must please tell me if I am being too forward, but... how did you cope?"

The officer drew in a deep breath and moved forward in his chair, leaning his elbows on his knees. He faced the wood burner, staring into the fire burning so brightly behind the glass window. "I had someone to comfort me." He grew silent for a moment, before he continued, "Else I don't know what I would have done. But he was there for me when I had nowhere else to turn. He possibly saved my life." He closed his eyes and rested his head in his hands.

Horatio's mouth stood open. Was the lieutenant talking about a friend or... "A lover?" His face burned with shame when he realized he had spoken the thought out loud. "Sir, I am sorry! I did not mean to..."

"Yes, a lover." Chadd looked up and smiled crookedly.

"Oh." Horatio attempted to cover his awkwardness by taking a deep gulp from his cup, but he drank too much and began to splutter.

"I believe you may have had enough, Mister Hornblower." Chadd rose and took the cup from Horatio's hands. He smiled a little when big eyes stared up at him while the young officer was shaken by a coughing fit. To help, Chadd began to pat Horatio's back in the vicinity of his lungs.

It helped. He continued the motion until well after Horatio had ceased coughing; then he began to rub the area lightly and soothingly.

Hornblower looked up at Chadd who was now perched on the armrest of the chair he himself was occupying. He noticed for the first time that the lieutenant's eyes were very, very blue.

"Better?" Chadd asked softly.

"Yes, thank you. Forgive my clumsiness, sir, please." Horatio bit his lip and winced, having forgotten how bruised it was.

"Nothing to forgive, Mister Hornblower."

Their eyes locked for a few moments while Chadd kept up the steady strokes of Horatio's back. Soon, his touch became slower and gentler, less of a remedy - more of a caress.

"I should go, lieutenant." Horatio swallowed. He was not certain what was happening, but whatever it was, it made him feel suddenly too warm and... nervous.

"If you wish."

Frowning, Horatio noted that he was not exactly being dismissed. "I... perhaps... might I warm myself a little longer?" he dared.

Chadd nodded. "Stay as long as you like, Mister Hornblower."

Unable to find words, Horatio nodded.

"Do you have a friend onboard?" Chadd asked unexpectedly.

The question caught Horatio unawares and he found that he had no distinct answer at hand. "Um... well, perhaps."

"You seem uncertain?"

Horatio looked up, smiling a little. "I am not too certain of anything right now, sir."

Chadd returned the smile.

"Although perhaps I..." Horatio muttered. Yes, Clayton was a friend, but he would not have wanted to burden him with his own helplessness.

"You can come to me if you need someone... to talk to," Chadd offered unexpectedly.

"To talk?" Horatio asked numbly.

"If that is what you need, yes." Chadd set down the cup he had been holding all that time and smiled. He leaned closer and placed a gentle kiss on Horatio's forehead, ignoring the gasp. Then he stood and moved away, towards the fire. But he turned to look at Horatio. "Perhaps it would be better if you did leave now, Mister Hornblower."

"As you wish, sir." Horatio stood hurriedly, forgetting that he was dressed in nothing but a couple of blankets while his clothes were drying over a chair-back by the stove. So when he stood hurriedly, the blanket draped around his torso and shoulders slipped off his upper body, revealing his smooth and still clammy skin. He drew in a sharp breath at the chill hitting him, and Chadd smiled.

Recovering from the lovely sight remarkably quickly, the lieutenant noted the chill shaking Horatio's body. "Forgive me, sir. You are not warm enough yet." He reached to feel the discarded garments and they too were still damp. "Perhaps you might stay a little longer."

Horatio tried to protest, having come to the conclusion that he was beginning to outstay his welcome, but his teeth once again moved of their own accord and he felt nearly as cold as he had done earlier. So he nodded, sniffling and rubbing his nose, smiling coyly.

Chadd drew in a deep breath and within an instant, he had crossed the room and was with Horatio, enfolding him in his arms.

Gasping at the shock of the sudden warmth, Horatio went limp and sighed as the other's body heat began to penetrate his own chilly form. Like before, Chadd was rubbing his back, only now both his hands were on the bare skin while he held him close and rested his cheek against Horatio's.

The sensation was so warm and comforting, so unlike anything he had experienced since coming onboard _Justinian_, that Horatio felt on the verge of bursting into tears. But he fought valiantly, swallowing hard and concentrating on the lieutenant's steadying presence, his slow and even breaths and the strong beat of his heart against his own ribcage. He was beginning to understand how another's closeness could bring the kind of comfort Chadd had spoken of before. And he was beginning to long for that comfort for himself.

Chadd's eyes were closed as he imagined himself being able to hold this beautiful creature forever. He knew he would not, but at least he would always remember this moment. He would remember the rain damp hair tickling his face, the salty scent of it and the way his own body was able to warm the other's gradually. He even imagined for a moment that Horatio's heart beat a little louder and that his breathing became a little faster. To avoid being fooled by further flights of fancy, he attempted to push him away.

Horatio sensed it and reacted quickly.

It was no small surprise to Chadd when he felt two long arms wrap around his waist and prevent his withdrawal. "Mister Hornblower," he pleaded. "I would advise that you let go. I _am_ human after all."

"That is why I would rather not." Horatio was speaking close to Chadd's ear and his voice was soft and calm, entirely free of fear or trepidation. He moved a little, rubbing his cheek against the lieutenant's like a cat would rub itself against its caretaker's hand. Then his lips lightly touched the smooth skin and he closed his eyes.

Chadd turned his face and caught the light kiss with his own lips. He held it, taking care not to be demanding or forceful. But it was impossible to be so detached for long when the poor bruised mouth against his own was so soft and full and yielding, when it opened to him and invited him - hesitantly, but willing to face the consequences of such an invitation.

Horatio allowed the kiss. He welcomed the tip of the tongue parting his lips and received its tender advance into his mouth, where he joined it and learned from it how to light a fire in another's soul.

The arms around Chadd's waist tightened, fingers clutching the material of his vest and sliding underneath it to stroke his back through his shirt. He moved one hand to cup Horatio's nape while his lips nipped at the spot where he imagined a dimple might appear if Horatio were to smile brightly and with happiness. Then he kissed past his chin and down the long, elegantly curved neck.

Horatio clutched onto the other's shirt while he tilted his head back into the palm and let the kisses and caresses bring his skin to life with a warm tingle. He felt Chadd's other hand move down to the small of his back - to that area where each touch felt hotter and more intimate than almost anywhere else on the human body. When the hand moved lower still to cup one of his gently sloping buttocks, he moaned a little with the reaction it caused.

Aware of Horatio's awakening arousal, Chadd squeezed the firm cheek and then brought his hand to Horatio's hip where he stroked up and down for a few moments. Then he boldly pushed the blanket tied around the young man's slender hips a little lower and caressed the soft pale skin of his abdomen.

The touch shook Horatio to the core, causing his manhood to rise and press against the firm body. And then the hand moved lower and beneath the blanket. He gasped when the warm caress weakened his legs and made him stagger.

Chadd caught him against himself, but did not cease stroking and touching him until Horatio was nearly at the point of passing out. Then he stopped, covering the gasping mouth once more with his own for a passionate kiss while his hand lay still against Horatio's manhood.

The young midshipman suppressed a moan of frustration, nudging closer to demand more of that touch which made him feel as though he was on fire.

It was what Chadd had been waiting for, and he obliged.

Moments later, Horatio felt a surge of heat shoot through his belly and into his groin, where it filled him briefly before rushing out to seep through the lieutenant's ceaselessly stroking fingers. He groaned loudly, the sound sending shivers up and down Chadd's spine.

Holding the weak but finally warm body in his arms, Lieutenant Chadd allowed Horatio to calm down before he gently disengaged from him and said, "Your clothes will be dry now."

Nodding, Horatio wondered whether he was being thrown out, but the hands closing around his face and the tender kiss bestowed on his lips convinced him that his dismissal was entirely temporary. He had been in the lieutenant's quarters for far longer than could be considered appropriate, and it was time to go.

Once Horatio was dressed, he wondered what to say, but Chadd made it easy for him. "Return if and when you wish to, Mister Hornblower, but do not feel that you must."

Horatio smiled brightly and found his smile mirrored in the other's face. "Tomorrow?" he asked. When Chadd nodded, he saluted and left, unaware that as soon as the door closed behind him, the lieutenant sat down in the chair he had occupied earlier, held the blankets he had worn in his arms and with a wistful sigh, raised his hand to his lips and tasted Horatio's essence which still clung to his skin.

~ ~ ~

The following day was infinitely easier than the previous ones. Whenever Jack Simpson intruded on Horatio's thoughts, he pushed him out with determination, replacing his image with that of Lieutenant Chadd. He closed his eyes and his mind turned the vicious leer of one into the warm smile of the other... cold, unfeeling eyes into kind and gentle ones. He let harshness be replaced by tenderness.

When his shift was finally over and he knew that the lieutenant's was as well, he rushed below deck and to the cabin where his thoughts had been all day long. He knocked, forcing himself to wait for the called out invitation before pushing the door open and rushing inside, carefully ensuring first that no one was in the corridor.

Then, he stood still... suddenly feeling awkward and nervous.

Chadd - sitting hunched over on the edge of one of the chairs, dressed in his uniform but without his hat or coat - welcomed him with an almost shy smile. He waited for Horatio to come closer. Then he took his hands and briefly lifted them to his lips, kissing his knuckles lightly. "I was afraid you might change your mind, Mister Hornblower," he said cautiously.

Horatio was surprised at the admission. "No, sir. I... have been thinking about... being with you. All day long."

With a smile, Chadd stood, his hands coming to rest on Horatio's shoulders while he looked into his eyes intensely. Sadly, perhaps... Before Horatio could question the expression, the lieutenant leaned forward and bestowed a tender kiss on his lips. His hands cradled Horatio's head with the utmost care while his mouth sought out the sorely missed sweetness remembered from their encounter the previous day.

Horatio moved against him, seeking the warm contact of the firm body against his own. But Chadd seemed to be holding back, not letting the kiss become too heated or Horatio too excited. "Sir?" the young midshipman asked, confused.

Withdrawing for a moment, Chadd looked at him as though he was searching for something. Every flicker of an emotion was so clear in Horatio's trusting brown eyes, every thought embedded in his features - he would be unable to lie. His honest face would give him away. Should he ask him then and risk the hurt when he saw the truth in that face? No, not yet...

Horatio held onto Chadd's sleeves with a tight grip while he gazed into those blue eyes which looked so deeply sad. Always so sad. He thought he could see loneliness there. "Is something amiss, sir?" he asked softly.

But he was not to receive an explanation, instead he was gifted with another kiss - this time so full of longing and desire that his entire body shook with the force of it. He returned the kiss vigorously, his arms moving around the other's neck and his hands winding themselves into a mop of curls not unlike his own.

As soon as their lips parted, Horatio began to unbutton Chadd's vest, impatient to bestow the caresses he had not bestowed the previous day, but he found his fingers stilled.

"You are here to find comfort, not to give it."

Shocked and inexplicably saddened by this, Horatio said, "Do you not need comfort also, sir?"

Taken aback, Chadd dropped his hands and looked on in surprise as Horatio's deft fingers removed his vest and shirt before allowing that he do the same for him. Then he moved away and lit a candle before taking Horatio's hand and leading him to his sleeping berth. "I have been wanting to hold you all day," he said, his voice raspy with emotion. He sat on the edge of the bunk and was about to lay back and reach out for Horatio to join him, when the youth sank on his knees in front of him. With a shocked gasp, Chadd exclaimed, "No! Horatio, don't!" His hands gripped the youth's upper arms as though he was about to push him away.

"Sir?" Horatio was pulled to his feet and onto the other's lap where he was held tight. He bent his head and rested it against Chadd's. "Did I do something wrong?" he asked, concerned. A sound much like a sob came from the man holding him and he raised his head again.

Chadd looked up at him, his face a mask even while his eyes were filled with tears. "No, you did not. Of course not." He was struggling for words it seemed. "You must not think that you have... duties' here or that anything is expected of you. If you should believe that..." Finding it hard to say the next words but knowing he had to, Chadd took a deep breath. "You would have to leave. Now."

Horatio kissed the frowning forehead tenderly. "I _want_ to be here." He looked at Chadd imploringly. "Please don't send me away."

Nothing was further from Chadd's mind. If he could have arranged it, he would have kept Horatio with him forever. "I am not sending you away," he reassured, his voice soft.

Horatio nodded. He attempted a smile.

Chadd cupped his face and kissed him, slowly laying back on his bunk and drawing him down on top of himself.

Sliding naturally into Chadd's embrace, Horatio sighed contentedly. He buried his face against the other's neck, lying against him and listening to his heartbeat.

Eventually, Chadd shifted so that they lay alongside each other. He was facing Horatio, tracing his full lips with his thumb while holding his chin. Like someone appreciating a work of art, he let his palm cup the soft cheek and move down the side of Horatio's neck to his shoulder and back to his bare chest, taking his time and murmuring soft words of adoration.

Wanting to be held, Horatio shifted closer, forcing Chadd to drape his arm over him. He bestowed a tender kiss on Chadd's lips. "Might I know your Christian name, sir?" he asked shyly.

"Alan. But..."

"Alan..." Horatio let the name roll off his tongue. Regretfully, he said, "I know. I must never use it outside this room."

Chadd smiled at the understanding young man and stroked over his hair before burying his fingers in it and drawing him in for a kiss. He devoured the lips which were much less bruised than they had been the day before. To be sure, he soothed them once in a while with a tender flicker from the tip of his tongue.

Whimpering softly, Horatio gave in to the kiss which grew ever more passionate until their tongues were sliding wetly against each other while their bodies were intertwined in a heated embrace. Clutching at Chadd's shoulders, Horatio bucked up against him, wrapping a long leg over his hip and groaning when their arousals were pressed together.

Chadd's hand went to Horatio's buttocks, stroking and squeezing and drawing him closer until the friction between them became near unbearable.

Horatio reached carefully between them, eliciting a low moan from his partner with his hesitant caresses. So he grew bolder, undoing the flap on Alan's breeches and pushing the restricting fabric down and out of the way. When his hand cupped the other's bare arousal, he felt as exhilarated as his lover by the new, unfamiliar sensation. And even more so by the reaction his inexperienced but firm touch caused.

Alan stilled entirely, allowing the slow exploration while looking deep into his lover's glistening eyes. His own light-blue gaze darkened to a deep ocean blue when Horatio's hand closed around him more firmly yet and he slowed his strokes to a languorous, sensual caress. "You are so very beautiful, Horatio," he whispered hoarsely.

Horatio smiled, humbled by the open admiration in those eyes looking at him with such intent and honesty. He used his other hand to reach around Chadd's back and caress the smooth skin there, moving lower until he felt the dimpled indentations at the base and the curve of his buttocks.

Alan shifted them, moving Horatio into a crouching position above him. He held him by his upper arms, simply looking at him for a moment.

Horatio bent to kiss him tenderly until the movement against his own groin distracted him so much that he had to touch Alan more intimately again, only to find his hand stilled against the warm flesh of a strong thigh.

Alan Chadd did not speak, but he looked at Horatio with a mixture of uncertainty and desire in his eyes.

Horatio smiled. "I want to," he said, finding his wrist instantly released. Then he thought of something. "Would you help me?"

Alan smiled and nodded, reaching for Horatio's hand and leading it to his rigid manhood. As aroused as he already was, that renewed touch of the long, carefully exploring fingers on him was nearly more than he could stand. He closed his eyes with a low moan.

Horatio waited patiently for Chadd to begin moving his hand. Exquisite... the satiny skin against his palm, the solid heat sliding through his fingers, and -most of all - the hand guiding his own clenching, and the fingers intertwining with his own. He found that to watch desire darken his lover's eyes was even more arousing than the physical contact itself.

He was too close, too soon... Alan growled in frustration. No, not yet... Horatio's needs were what was important. He lifted the hand from his manhood and turned Horatio on his back, pressing him into the cushions with the weight of his body. "Horatio..." he began, his voice warm and low. "If I should do anything you do not like, you must tell me. Promise me that."

Gulping, Horatio nodded.

He was soon unable to think of anything his lover could possibly do that he might dislike. Alan's caresses were like the warmest summer sun as he kissed him softly on the lips before bestowing a long line of nips and licks to his neck and chest. His arms and shoulders were stroked all the while and eventually, Alan's hands were underneath his back, lifting his upper body to meet his lips as they travelled over his firm chest and to his ribcage, kissing his flanks and tasting the warm skin of his belly.

Then Horatio felt his breeches undone and removed, and he found his hips lifted to meet an even more intimate caress. With a sigh, he offered up the soft skin of his groin, his proud manhood, the tight curls framing it and the endearing ridges where his strong thighs met his hips.

Alan took it all, kissing and licking as though he was burning every inch of Horatio's body into his memory. When he parted the long thighs to kiss the sensitive skin on their insides, Horatio groaned in desperation, and Alan knew he was mere moments away from receiving a wonderful gift.

His fingers closed around the base of Horatio's cock, and he flicked his tongue over the head, waiting for that first shiver of delight to subside before licking up the sides as well, concentrating on the underside especially.

Horatio's fingers were entangled in the sheets. His vision blurred to the point where he had to close his eyes, too overwhelmed by the sight of his lover's almost reverent worship of his body. The tongue lapping at his arousal, the lips closing around him and drawing him deep... so deep... into Alan's throat... But when he felt hands reaching for his tightly clenched fingers and grasping them even while the assault on his cock intensified, he came with a loud groan.

Too loud... Alan Chadd moved quickly, releasing the organ still lavishing him with sweet honey and covering Horatio's body while taking his mouth in a fierce kiss to quieten him.

Whimpering, Horatio drank his shared seed, still lingering in the final tremors of his passion.

"Sorry," Alan finally whispered breathlessly. "I had to..."

Nodding, Horatio smiled at him blissfully, reaching up to stroke the damp curls back from Alan's face. He wanted to offer his lieutenant the same gift he had been given, but he was unsure how to ask. And he feared he might be rejected considering Alan's... concerns.

"What is it, Horatio?" Alan asked, sensing that his lover had something on his mind.

"I would like to... I mean... might I..." Horatio found it hard to think at all when Alan's fingers were caressing his face like that, tracing his brows and his lips and his nose and... "I want to do something for you, Alan," he finally managed, instantly seeing the change in the other's temporarily relaxed countenance.

"Horatio..."

"No, listen to me, please." And boldly, Horatio implored his lover to make him his, reassuring him that he wanted it. Desperately.

Alan Chadd searched Horatio's face and had to concede that what he saw reflected in those open features was a need as strong as his own, even if he still did not see... "Yes," he whispered. "Yes, Horatio... I will make love to you."

Horatio immediately helped rid his lover off the remainders of his clothing, both of them tugging at them impatiently. When they were skin to skin, Alan's rigid manhood pressed against Horatio's groin. He moaned, still so sensitive.

Alan felt fear rising in him that he might hurt him, but the trust and affection in the beautiful dark eyes told him not to let his worries deprive them both of this pleasure. "You are certain?" he asked nonetheless, knowing what the answer would be.

"Yes," came the breathless reply.

It would be easier to take Horatio from behind, but that would mean not to see his face, not to be sure for every instant that he was alright. He could not risk that. Alan stroked him soothingly and covered his face with tender kisses while his hand slowly moved over his hip and forward to briefly touch his spent cock, causing a whimper. With a smile, he moved on to cup Horatio's balls in his palm, squeezing gently until he parted his legs and raised one of them to drape over his hip. Alan moved his thigh in between the spread legs, holding them apart while his hand went on to trace along the sensitive area leading back to his ultimate target.

Horatio was shaking all over, praying that it would not be mistaken for fear. He concentrated on his lover's face and focused on the intense blue eyes which were keeping track of his every reaction so carefully. He smiled reassuringly, rubbing his leg against Alan's hip and moving closer to him thus allowing the searching hand between his legs to proceed to his opening.

There was hesitation before Alan carefully teased him open and pushed one finger inside.

"Oh!" Horatio shuddered, clutching onto his lover, but he did not draw back and his face was not distorted by pain but made all the more beautiful by pleasure.

So Alan proceeded, moving in and out slowly for some time before daring to add another finger. He felt only the tiniest measure of resistance but then Horatio gave in and he was moving further into him, stretching him.

Horatio was in awe - he had expected more pain, but Alan was being so tender, taking so much time to prepare him that he was no longer afraid. When the fingers were withdrawn, he moaned in frustration, but he was reassured by Alan's softly whispered words of explanation.

Chadd applied some of the salve he had retrieved to Horatio's opening, some to himself. "I will be as gentle as I can be, Horatio."

"I know."

So much trust... Alan remained stretched out alongside Horatio when he lifted the leg over his hip higher and moved in between the quivering thighs, sliding forward until the tip of his cock touched the prepared entrance to his lover's body. Oh god, it was so hard to hold back

Slippery heat surrounded him instantly, and he forced himself to be slow and careful, his eyes never losing contact with Horatio's for a moment. A slight squint... a shudder... a moment's pain on those features and he was all the way inside the beloved body. Then... stillness and a deep calm as he allowed himself to become convinced it was indeed all real.

Horatio was breathing rapidly, dizzy from the effort of not pulling away when it had felt as though he was being torn apart. Now his breathing was still laboured, but it was the utter unreality of feeling another human being inside himself like this that stunned him. "Alan..." he murmured, moving tentatively to see if it would hurt, but finding that his movement had drawn his lover further inside without an inkling of pain. And that was when he began to feel nothing but pleasure anymore.

Alan moved slowly. Very slowly. His arms enfolded Horatio and he kissed him, slowly sliding in and out of the tight hole. He watched the dreamy eyes squeeze shut while the lips parted and pursed, trying to hold onto the kiss. It was at the moment that Alan Chadd knew he had fallen irrevocably in love with Horatio.God, was this how _he_ had felt all those years ago?

Horatio moaned, burying his face against the side of Alan's neck and nipping at his skin. He countered each movement, slowly and carefully, but growing ever more adventurous now that the pain was gone. When he was lifted to sit astride his lover, he smiled down at him, immediately picking up the rhythm with which Alan lifted and lowered his hips. He threw back his head - not caring that his curls came loose from his ribbon, and groaned.

"Sshhhhh..." Alan implored, smiling at the guilty look warring with the ecstatic expression on Horatio's face.

And Horatio remained silent from there on in, hoping that their heavy breathing or the sounds of their bodies slamming into each other could not be heard outside the cabin. And eventually, he stopped caring about anything at all besides the sensations rocking his body. When Alan rose to embrace him, he clutched onto him with all his strength, his fingers raking over the smooth back while he presented his graceful neck to be kissed and suckled. "Yes... Alan... ohhhh!" he moaned very quietly.

And Alan held him tighter, lifting and slamming him down on himself harder and harder as he felt his release building in him. The musky scent of Horatio's skin, it's softness and the strength in his thighs as he rode him sent him tumbling towards the edge with frightening speed. He whispered to him - words of endearment, encouragement and love... determined to take Horatio with him when he reached the precipice. One more time... one more hard slide into the tight sheath around him... "Oh god!!"

This time, Horatio covered Alan's mouth with his own, preventing them both from screaming out loud when their release finally came and Horatio splattered their bellies and chests while he was filled with his lover's seed.

They lay down, wrapped tightly in each others' arms, once Alan had reluctantly slipped from Horatio. Stroking the damp curls fanned out over his shoulder, Alan Chadd sighed, avoiding facing the questioning look by pressing Horatio's head tighter against his neck. "You have made me very happy, Horatio," he said solemnly, hoping that would answer the question.

It did, for Horatio had no other suspicions about the sigh. "Oh, Alan. I feel so... calm."

Smiling sadly, Alan petted the curly head, pressing his lips to the half-hidden forehead. He had been given much more than he had hoped for. He needed to be grateful for that.

It had grown completely dark outside. Horatio knew he would have to leave. Once he was dressed, Alan kissed him once more, and he whispered, "Thank you," earning a hint of a smile from his lieutenant.

"Be careful on your way back to the midshipmen's berth," Alan instructed, enfolding him once more before ushering him out reluctantly.

~ ~ ~

Horatio spotted no one in the hall when he left the cabin, so he proceeded towards the stairs confidently. Only to be pulled roughly into a corner behind a water barrel.

"So you've become an officer's boy then, have you, Snotty?" a dreaded voice mocked him while fingers buried themselves in his upper arms.

"Let me go, Simpson!" Horatio hissed, struggling to get out of the other's grip. He tried to control the panic taking hold of him.

With a sigh, Jack Simpson loosened his hold. "Such a shame, though... Kennedy is no fun anymore. Got rather bored with him. I was hoping you and I might..." He raised his hand, clasping a bunch of Horatio's curls in his fist, laughing when he flinched away with a hate-filled look on his face. "But a lieutenant's boy is off limits to a simple midshipman, of course," Simpson concluded.

Horatio drew back in disgust, sickened by the sight of the man, hating him more than ever for daring to touch him when he had wanted to retain the memory of Alan's touch. And the vicious grin on Simpson's countenance did not bode well at all.

"Never know of course what might happen..."

"What do you mean?" Horatio asked, angry at himself for allowing Simpson to unsettle him so.

"Why, we might be sent into battle and your officer could fall victim to an enemy musket. Or perhaps you two will simply be discovered much earlier than that. You do realize, Snotty, what the punishment is for what you're doing?" He laughed.

Further nauseated by the barely veiled threat, Horatio staggered backwards. If Simpson were to tell on them... He felt all he had gained over the past two days slip from him just as his life surely would. And Alan... he would be responsible if anything happened to his kind, gentle lover, and he simply could not bear that.

Horatio needed to get away; he couldn't stand being in Simpson's presence for another moment. He jerked away from the other's grasp and all but ran down the hall, followed by Simpson's menacing laughter.

"That's right, Snotty, run. It won't do you any good!" Simpson called out triumphantly. "I will always be there."

~ ~ ~

That night, Horatio was wrecked by nightmares - groaning and bathed in sweat, he was assaulted by images of Alan being killed in battle, Alan being murdered by Simpson, both Alan and himself facing a court-martial and being sentenced to death for their 'unspeakable' acts. The night went on forever. The dreams grew repetitive until there was nothing but death, blood and tears. Finally, mercifully... the ship's bell rang in the morning watch, and Horatio woke, trembling and shivering from his night's ordeal.

And he knew then that there was only one thing he could do to protect Alan.

Later, up on deck, he stood, looking out to sea. Clayton approached him, but Horatio never even heard him until the kind soul continued to call his name, offering him a tankard with some grog to warm him through. Horatio muttered absently, "Death."

Clayton frowned. "What?"

"I was thinking on death." Horatio shook, now that he had said it out loud.

"Whose?" Clayton asked, deeply concerned.

"Mine."

Not knowing what to say and all too familiar with such thoughts and feelings himself, Clayton sighed. "Damned unsporting of the everlasting to fix his canon against self-slaughter, if you ask me." When Horatio simply continued to stand quietly as though the entire world could end around him without him even noticing, he suggested, "You could always desert." He knew of course deep down that Horatio would never, ever commit such a cowardly act. No, anyone else including himself might, but not Horatio.

So he was not surprised when the young midshipman said, "I'd never be free of him then. He'd have won. And that should be worse than death." After a pause, he came to a decision. "Someone should stand against him." He looked at Clayton, determination clear on his drawn, rest-deprived features.

Concerned about what Horatio might have in mind, Clayton implored, "That beating he gave you, that was nothing compared to what he's capable of, believe _me_!" He hoped Horatio would not ask what he meant but at that moment, he noticed Eccleston and Simpson of all people approaching them. He grew quiet immediately.

Lieutenant Eccleston gave his instructions about the East India convoy, assigning Horatio and Simpson to meet with the officers of the _Goliath_ on shore. Horatio nodded, an idea forming in his mind. Perhaps there was another way. Perhaps if he could force Simpson into a situation where he impeached his honour in public, he could even the odds. And he and Alan might stand a chance.

~ ~ ~

Horatio was met back onboard by Clayton who had been worried sick about him all day. Knowing his friend had been in Simpson's company for hours - even though they had not been entirely alone - he had feared the worst. What he did _not_ expect was Horatio's announcement.

"I must talk with you and Archie. Let us go somewhere quiet," Horatio requested, and Clayton agreed with some trepidation.

Once they were in one of the gun bays, Horatio told them about the challenge.

"A duel? Are you mad?" His friends were horrified, knowing only too well that Horatio stood little chance against Simpson in such a confrontation. They proceeded to tell him so, but their attempts to talk sense into him fell on deaf ears. He had made his decision.

Clayton agreed to be his second even while he was forming a plan of his own. It was time to do something about Simpson, Horatio was right.

Soon, Heather appeared, informing Horatio that Lieutenant Eccleston had asked to see him in his quarters immediately.

~ ~ ~

Horatio was making his way to the First lieutenant's cabin, wary and concerned. Had Simpson told Eccleston about him and Alan in a cowardly attempt to forestall the duel taking place?

When he entered the senior officer's quarters - still wondering why the meeting was not held on deck - Eccleston stood from his writing desk and silently motioned for Horatio to sit down.

Holding his hat and scrunching the corners in his clammy fingers, Horatio watched Eccleston pace up and down. He mentally prepared for the inevitable.

"You must surely be mad, Mister Hornblower!" Eccleston finally errupted.

"Sir?" Horatio was surprised at the opening statement. He had expected worse.

"A duel?" Eccleston repeated the words in almost the same tone his friends had used earlier. "You do realize, Mister Hornblower, that Simpson will almost certainly kill you?"

Suppressing the small sigh of relief, Horatio nodded. "I do, sir."

"Why then?" Eccleston demanded to know.

"He has impeached my honour, sir." Horatio looked as determined as he could manage under the officer's scrutiny, making the decision that no matter how insistently Eccleston questioned him, he would not reveal the true reason for the challenge. After all, how could he explain that he simply had to try and kill Simpson so that no harm would come to Alan?

"You expect me to believe that _you_ of all people are foolish enough to risk dying for your reputation as a card player, Mister Hornblower?" Eccleston's voice was booming now.

Horatio nodded too eagerly, fear rising in him that somehow, Eccleston may know more after all.

"_Well?_"

"Yes, sir. I do. I mean... yes, that is the reason. sir."

Lieutenant Eccleston's face was too easy to read. The disbelief there and the anger at being lied to were masked by nothing.

Horatio sensed that Eccleston knew there was more, but he hoped against hope that the lieutenant would not persist. Speaking as lightly as he could, he asked, "May I go now, sir?"

Eccleston stared at him. He opened his mouth to speak but seemed to change his mind, nodding instead.

Horatio scrambled to his feet, desperate to leave and to not have to face more questions he could not answer truthfully. He was at the door, his hand was on the door knob...

"Mister Hornblower!"

"Yes, sir." Horatio turned, finding Eccleston standing by the desk, supporting himself with one hand on it. The man looked somehow... faint. Indeed he looked paler than a moment ago.

Eccleston was grappling for words. Clearly, what he had to say was not easy. "Mister Hornblower... I am aware that it is selfish of me to ask this of you, but..." Horatio waited. "I will ask nonetheless. Would you _not_ mention this challenge of yours to... to Lieutenant Chadd. Please."

Feeling as though the ground was falling away from beneath his feet, Horatio gasped. "Sir? To... Lieutenant Chadd? But..."

Eccleston had grown paler still. "Hear me out, sir. If you tell him, he will most certainly attempt to interfere on your behalf which would mean that..." He looked at Horatio as if to ascertain that what he was assuming was indeed correct. Having made his assessment, he continued, "Mister Hornblower, I do believe that we are of like minds here, which is why I must tell you that to protect Lieutenant Chadd's career and indeed his... his life, we need to keep your duel from him." He took a deep breath and the look he gave Horatio was sad and pleading.

Feeling rather dizzy while piece after piece of information fell into place, Horatio attempted to steady his own breathing. The expression on Eccleston's face was so deeply worried that he could not help but nod his agreement. There seemed no point whatsoever in pretending anymore. Besides, he had long since decided that it would be safer for Alan to not know. "I promise it, Lieutenant Eccleston," he reassured.

"Bless you, Mister Hornblower!" Eccleston sighed with relief, repeating more quietly, "Bless you."

Horatio nodded and - seeing the lieutenant's composure slowly slip away entirely - retreated discreetly out of the room and into the hall, where he leaned back against the door and took a deep breath.

~ ~ ~

Horatio had considered not visiting Alan that evening, loathe to keep things from him when he had been given so much trust and affection, but with the prospect of dying at sunrise, he could not stay away for anything.

Greeted by the customary warmth in his lover's eyes, Horatio threw himself into Alan's arms, hugging him tight.

If the lieutenant was surprised, he did not show it, instead he held his darling close, stroking his hair and rubbing over his back reassuringly.

Horatio drew back and demanded huskily, "Love me, Alan! Please!" Not waiting for the question in the other's face to become words, he began to undress hurriedly, flushed and eager, passion flaring in his eyes.

Alan Chadd did not question him, too mesmerized by the glow of Horatio's skin, the feverish motions of his hands as he all but tore off first his own clothing and then his, and the ragged breaths accompanying every touch they shared.

Their desire that evening knew no boundaries. They made love over and over, neither of them growing too weak or too sated to rekindle the flames of their passion the moment they rose anew.

When Alan finally lay back panting - Horatio's divine form draped over him like the most beautiful silken garment - he exclaimed, "Horatio! By god, you cannot be of this world. What are you doing to me?"

Sighing, Horatio nuzzled his neck. "I am making myself yours, Alan."

Chadd held him tight, wishing he could believe it. When Horatio raised his face, he searched it once more. He found so very much there... affection, desire, trust, compassion, gratitude, lust, friendship... all but the one emotion he wanted to find shining at him from those deep, warm eyes more than anything in the world. But he knew what that emotion looked like from his own mirror image. And he knew it from... Christian's eyes; it had never left them.

His thoughts were drowned out by Horatio's kisses, soft lips closing over his as their breath mingled the way their bodies had been doing for hours. And he chose to forget and let his own love fill the room and enclose them. He had enough for them both after all.

~ ~ ~

When Alan woke some time later, it was nearly completely dark. He felt Horatio still close to him, lying in his arms. Turning his head sideways, he kissed the soft curls, closing his eyes and inhaling their scent.

His lover woke, immediately smiling up at him, until a shadow fell over the lovely face as he remembered. Hiding his reaction, he moved up and kissed Alan tenderly, his fingers sliding into his hair. "Mmm... you always taste so sweet," Horatio whispered, his tongue slipping out and lapping at the corners of Alan's mouth.

Returning the kiss passionately, Alan moaned softly, feeling Horatio's hand move over his chest and stomach and down to his loins where it lingered, the long fingers tickling sensitive skin until it felt on fire, before sliding through short curls and around the solid column reaching towards him. With a deep sigh, Alan gave himself to his lover's tender touch, arching towards him and begging for release with silent pleas from under heavy eyelids. "Horatio..." he whimpered. "Please!"

And Horatio moved lower and in between Alan's thighs, reaching underneath him, lifting the rhythmically rising hips until the proud organ rose to his parted lips and slid in between them. The low, rumbling groan aroused him so deeply that he himself was forced to grind hard against the mattress to still his own reaction. He licked and suckled, kissed and lapped, guided exclusively by his lover's soft moans and whispered endearments. Finally, Alan succumbed to him, heart and soul. His release streamed into Horatio's mouth from the shuddering body, filling him even as the beautiful boy soaked the mattress with his own seed.

They did not want to part that night. So without a single word passing on the subject, they came to the agreement that Horatio would stay until early in the morning. It would be alright.

Once Horatio had securely fallen asleep in his arms once more, Alan continued to lie awake for a long time. He looked down at the pouting lips, the graceful hand on his heart and the eyelids fluttering lightly in dreams, whispering softly, "I love you, Horatio."

~ ~ ~

The next day was to be the worst day yet in Horatio's young life.

Returning to _Justinian_ after having had to leave Clayton in the icy embrace of death, he considered how only the day before, it had looked as though he had found a way out. He had hoped to rid himself and everyone else of Simpson's reign of terror. Not for one moment had he considered the possibility that Clayton - dear, wonderful Clayton - would simply take that chance away from him. And worse... would die to save his - and unknowingly Alan's - life.

He somehow made it back onboard in a daze of pain and regret. He gave his report to Captain Keene and endured the reprimand, before arranging the retrieval of Clayton's body.

Then he talked to Lieutenant Eccleston who expressed his regret for Horatio's loss and his relief that he himself had survived; before dismissing Horatio, the First Lieutenant took his hand and squeezed it tight, giving him his own quiet commiserations.

And then, Horatio went to Alan's cabin, where he was greeted by a pair of pale eyes with fine creases of worry underneath them. "You heard." Horatio did not phrase it as a question. There was no need.

"I came above deck and saw you return in one of the ship's boats. Some crewmen told me where you had gone." He took a few steps towards his lover, worried about the deep sadness in his eyes. "Horatio. Are you alright? Are you hurt? Please, speak to me!"

"He..." Horatio finally gave in to the tears. "He is dead, Alan. Clayton is dead! Because of me." He flung himself into Alan's arms and sobbed, stammering out the details as he could manage.

Alan paled at the realization of what Horatio must have been through during the past two days - and much of it was on account of him. He had never, ever meant to let any hurt and pain come to his lover, and yet unwittingly, he had done just that. And he had caused the loss of Horatio's friend - so he'd had a friend after all, possibly not even realizing it until it was too late.

"If it is anyone's fault that Mister Clayton died in this way, it is mine, Horatio." He stroked Horatio's cheek and found the tear-streaked face raised to his own. "I am so very sorry for your loss." He swallowed, Horatio's tears making it almost impossible to stay his own.

"Your fault? Oh, Alan!" Horatio shook his head.

"I should have been there instead of him. And instead of you." Alan held Horatio close, continuing to talk while he stroked over the curly head against his neck. "I should have defended your honour and rid you of that loathsome creature. Now you have lost your friend but not your enemy."

"I fear he is both our enemy, Alan." Horatio moved back to face Chadd, breathing rapidly. "He threatened to expose us. It would mean our deaths. Yours as well. I cannot let that happen!"

"It won't." Alan Chadd surprised himself with how firm his voice was when he made this calm promise. "Trust me, Horatio. It won't."

Gulping, Horatio caught Alan's eyes with his own, held them, searched them, and found a hatred there he had not thought his gentle lover capable of. What did he have in mind? "You cannot risk your life for me, Alan," he said sternly.

"Is it not my life to risk, Horatio?" Alan managed a smile at the determination of this so very young man. "You have risked yours for me and it was not even for... the same reason I would risk mine gladly." He noted the unasked question in Horatio's wide eyes and quickly added, "But fear not - I am quite safe. And I will make certain that you are as well."

"How?"

Alan held his face and kissed him, wishing Horatio had come to him the day before. "My turn to have a secret from you, my dear."

Horatio lowered his eyes guiltily. "I am sorry I did not tell you. But..."

"I understand."

And with one look at Alan's face, Horatio knew that indeed he did. "Why did Clayton do this?" he asked, his voice thick with yet more tears.

"For you." Alan led Horatio to his bunk where he sat him down and settled next to him, his arm protectively around his shoulder. "As well as for himself, I suspect," he added then.

Horatio looked at him. "Even when he was dying, he still thought himself a coward. Poor, dear Clayton."

"Mister Clayton most certainly was not a coward." Alan told Horatio about how Clayton had always been a quiet support for the youngest of the crew, how he had watched him take them under his wings and protect them from those like Simpson as best he could. Of course, even Clayton had not been able to rescue everyone, despite his quiet determination. He could not be everywhere at once, and as it was, he had taken more than his fair share of Simpson's wrath.

Horatio sobbed, wishing he could have another chance to convince Clayton just how brave he was and how much his friendship had meant to him - and always would - despite the short time they had known each other.

Alan held Horatio and let him cry on his shoulder, until the boy was so exhausted he simply fell asleep. Then Alan lay him down on his bunk and wrapped him in his arms, covering them both with the blanket. He stroked Horatio's curls and kissed away his drying tears, until he finally fell asleep as well.

~ ~ ~

Later that afternoon, Alan woke, finding Horatio still in a restless but deep sleep in his arms. He disengaged himself from his beloved bundle of misery and got up, quickly completing his uniform by slipping on his coat and hat. He left his cabin quietly.

When he knocked on the door and heard the very familiar voice behind it ask him to enter, he did so with single-minded determination. He had made a decision to divulge only his official reason for the request he was about to make, not his personal one. But his plan was to fail miserably on that count.

"Alan!" Lieutenant Eccleston called out, taking a few steps towards him but halting at a safe distance. He saw Alan Chadd's face; he saw the pain, the anguish, the worry and the concern. And he was determined that whatever the cause of them all, he would right things if he could.

"Lieutenant Eccleston." Alan decided that the only way to hide from this man what was truly on his mind would be to put on an official mask. "May I speak with you, please?"

Nodding, Eccleston moved aside, allowing Chadd to pass and take a seat by his writing desk. The impersonal address stung a little, but they had long since established that official business was best dealt with in an official manner. "What is on your mind, Lieutenant Chadd?" he asked.

Chadd removed his hat and placed it on the desk in front of him before facing Eccleston. "I am here about the upcoming transfers to the _Indefatigable_."

Surprised, Eccleston raised his brows. "Yes?"

"I intend to request that Midshipman Hornblower be placed on the list of transferals, but I may need your support to convince Captain Keene."

Eccleston's jaw dropped. "But... you yourself are to be transferred to the _Esmeralda_."

"What does that have to do with my request?" Alan grew uncomfortable. Could he possibly know about Horatio and himself? Of course, he had always been most observant when it came to him.

Eccleston considered feigning ignorance, but faced with such an important issue, he could not bear it. Not when it came to... "Alan, I _know_." He said it matter-of-fact, spotting only the slightest twitch of Chadd's facial muscles in reaction to the revelation.

Alan Chadd knew it would be useless to deny anything, besides - there was no danger in his oldest friend knowing his and Horatio's secret. "There are reasons why he cannot stay here. He's not safe. And besides - he should be on a ship where his career is assured. You know he deserves it."

"Yes." Eccleston adjusted his neck-kerchief while leaning against the desk, his fingers absently playing with the edge of Chadd's hat laying there. "He does. As for the other reasons... I believe I understand."

Alan nodded. "I knew you would. " He hesitated, but there was more he had to say. "There is a possibility that Simpson will talk to the captain. Especially once he realizes he will have no hold over Horatio anymore."

Eccleston nodded. "He may go through me, as he is supposed to."

"Perhaps. But if he should not..."

"Alan," Eccleston said softly. "Once he is back onboard, I will make it clear to him that he has far too much to answer for to cause problems for anyone. Trust me, he will keep quiet."

Alan knew he could trust Eccleston. And he also knew that if the other man made a promise to him, he would keep it at any cost. He felt a little guilty when he said, "May I ask another favour?"

With a nod, Eccleston said, "Anything I can do."

"Would you keep an eye on Horatio for me?"

Right about then, Eccleston thought he ought to tell Alan of his plans regarding the transfers, but he decided against it. Alan could be very stubborn, and if he knew of the plan too early on, he would reject the transfer on principle alone. Asking for a favour for his... lover was one thing, but Alan did neither ask for nor accept favours for himself.

"I promise it," Eccleston said, watching Chadd's entire body relax visibly. He accepted the hushed 'thank you' with a nod and stepped forward when Alan rose and moved to leave.

"Alan!" he said with a plea in his voice, his eyes trying to make contact with the familiar blue irises. And he saw it. Saw it right there where he had looked for it since almost the very first day they'd met. Only it still was not meant for him, but for the one who truly was on Alan's thoughts and in his heart. "So now you know what it is like," he said softly.

Alan's eyes met his steadily, and he nodded. "Yes, I know how you felt. In fact, I know _exactly_ how you felt," he admitted, unaware of the surprise in the other man's eyes.

"You cannot mean..." Eccleston found it impossible. After what Hornblower had done for Alan, what he had risked for him...

Alan nodded. "I know, Christian. I know how you felt. And I know that what I saw in your eyes then is now in mine." He smiled ruefully before he added quietly, "And what you failed to find reflected in mine is what I do not see in his either."

"He _must_ love you!" Eccleston exclaimed. "How could he... how could anyone not?"

Alan smiled. "You must stop being so sentimental, Christian. I am deeply grateful for the feelings I do see in his eyes. Some of them are perhaps worth nearly as much."

Eccleston was a little lost for words. "I am... so deeply sorry," he said.

Alan reached out and squeezed his shoulder briefly, letting his palm linger for a moment. "Don't be. You told me yourself that even a single day of perfect happiness is worth more than a lifetime of misery. I have had my day. So even if I were to die tomorrow..." He didn't finish the sentence - the realities of war didn't need explaining between officers of His Majesty's Navy.

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Eccleston searched for words, but Alan had already turned and was on his way to the cabin door. "He will be as safe as anyone can be in these times, Alan." His voice was not quite stable, not quite sure, but his intent certainly was. "I give you my word."

Alan turned. "I am sorry, Christian, that I was never able to return the look in your eyes as you wanted me to."

Eccleston nodded, most definitely unable to speak now.

Once the door had closed behind his former lover, he sighed deeply, lowering his head sadly. "I never stopped wanting to see it, Alan. And I never will."

~ ~ ~

"Why did you do this, Alan?" Horatio asked, sinking down on Chadd's bunk like he'd just been struck.

"I had to."

"He killed Clayton! And I never even fought him. I cannot let things simply go like this, Alan, don't you understand?"

Alan Chadd had known instinctively that Horatio would not appreciate having his unfinished business finished for him in this way. "To give him the opportunity to kill you as well will not bring Clayton back, Horatio." He did not allow Horatio time to argue. "You deserve the opportunities you will have on the _Indefatigable_. You are the best young officer on this godforsaken ship, and I will not leave you here with that brute!"

Horatio was stunned by the extent of Alan's concern for his safety. "You will be there too, of course," he said, certain that there was only one possible answer to that question.

"No. My new assignment will be aboard the _Esmeralda_."

"We are to be separated?" Horatio asked, jumping up from his seat on the edge of Alan's bunk. His voice was filled with nearly enough dread and sadness to make Chadd rethink his decision, and to perhaps try and take Horatio with him to his new ship. But Horatio deserved the best, and he was going to get it on the _Indefatigable_.

"I am sorry. They will not take on midshipmen right now, Horatio." Alan sighed. It was the truth, though he was fairly certain something could be arranged if need be. But he had no intention of wasting away Horatio's career out of pure selfishness.

"But what am I to do without you, Alan?"

Horatio was close to tears now, and Alan fought hard to remember that his young lover's sadness was only that - sadness. "You do not need me, Horatio. You are strong and brave. You will be a lieutenant in no time at all, and you will achieve everything you've ever wanted. I would only be a hindrance."

Hurt by what he perceived to be words of uncaring, Horatio flinched slightly. "I had thought that perhaps..."

"I loved you?" Alan volunteered.

Nodding, Horatio looked at him. His deep brown eyes were sad and filled with tears as he silently pleaded not to be cast off into the world by himself.

"I do," Alan admitted softly. "I love you more than you can ever know, Horatio, and I will forever cherish what we had together."

Horatio reached out to him, and Alan drew him close. "One day soon, you will find the one _you_ love, my darling."

Horatio looked at him, his sweet lips parting to protest Alan's words, only to be closed again by a tender kiss.

When Alan drew back, he smiled. "Don't tell me that you love me, Horatio, for you do not." Stilling the inevitable objection with a finger across Horatio's lips, he continued, "But you will, one day, have a love like mine shining from those beautiful eyes of yours. And the one to look into those eyes when you do will be the luckiest creature alive."

Horatio sighed. "But I think I do love you, Alan. I truly do."

"Yes, I believe you do think so." Alan held him tight, knowing that much too soon, he would have to let go.

~ ~ ~

Clayton's body was given over to the Sea the next day.

Captain Keene's unstable voice read the eulogy in halting, stuttering tones. He looked distinctly as though the whole ceremony was nothing but a great bother to him in his failing physical state.

Horatio stood beside Alan, a little bit in the background. He was shivering from the cold, the rain, and his bravely suppressed tears. He made it through most of the ceremony, and only when Clayton's lifeless form disappeared below the waves did he begin to sob.

Christian Eccleston gave him a compassionate sideways glance and shared a look of understanding with Alan, whose hand snaked out from beneath his dripping wet overcoat to clutch Horatio's arm, steadying him a little.

Eccleston gasped in alarm, fearful that someone might notice the gesture, but Alan was taking care to be discreet. He simply let Horatio know that he was near, and it seemed to calm the youth a little.

Then it was all over and Captain Keene hurried below deck with a muttered demand of his steward to bring him some rum immediately so that he could warm up.

Horatio stood in a daze until the rest of the crew had left.

Alan tugged at his arm. "You should not be alone now, Horatio," he said softly. "Why don't you go to my quarters - I'll be there presently."

Horatio nodded, making his way to the stairs.

"Will he be alright?" Eccleston asked with concern.

"Yes." Alan gave him a brief, joyless smile. "He is stronger than he realizes. I think he could deal with anything if need be." He sighed wistfully. "He will make an excellent commanding officer. One whose men will look up to him at all times."

Eccleston could no longer keep quiet. "Alan, you are going to be on the _Indefatigable_ also. I spoke to Captain Keene and convinced him that it would be best if all officers were to transfer to the same ship."

Alan stared blankly at him before his eyes returned to the spot Horatio had last occupied. "I wish you hadn't," he said with resignation. Then he walked away.

Eccleston had wanted to tell him that this way, all would work out best, but Alan knew that the well-meant deed would solve nothing. Nothing at all. It had not done so for Christian, and it wouldn't for him, either.

~ ~ ~

Chadd refused at first to take his assignment on the _Indefatigable_, much like Horatio had, causing endless confusion with Captain Keene. Keene found himself at a loss as to why his officers did not all jump at the chance to serve aboard the proud frigate.

Eventually, they both agreed. Horatio because Alan wanted him to, and Alan because while he would suffer, he would be near Horatio at least. And then there were Christian's motives for getting him re-assigned as well... the least he could do to make up for what he had never been able to give him was to stay close.

And so came the day when they boarded their new ship.

Officers and crew alike assembled on deck _Indefatigable_, waiting to meet their new captain. Alan stood on the quarterdeck, Horatio on the main deck, their eyes connected with the sadness of inevitability.

Soon, the formidable Captain Sir Edward Pellew joined his newest officers on deck and greeted them one by one. And when he turned to look down to the main deck to scan the faces below - junior officers as well as crewmen - fate began to take a very different course.

Captain Pellew began his welcome speech - a speech full of vigour and energy, full of all the hope for the future Keene had lost decades ago. Encouragement and pride in his ship poured from the resonant, booming voice - a voice used most effectively as an instrument to carry his own enthusiasm to the crowd below.

One face in that crowd in particular changed while its owner listened. The expression of the beautiful features changed from sadness and hopelessness to a previously unknown degree of adoration and pride.

And Chadd was there to watch as Horatio's eyes filled with the tears of sheer overwhelming emotions. He was there to watch as the sadness in his young lover's face was replaced with a proud beam like sunlight after a heavy downpour of rain; and he was there to see that first light of love appear in those eyes he knew so well. He had searched them desperately enough for that light, and now it was there - glimmering and shining from them as clear as glass.

Pure adoration and the first sparks of so much more filled the dark orbs together with the tears, and Chadd followed Horatio's line of vision to Captain Pellew - the lucky one. The one still unaware of the gift he was about to be given, the absolute happiness that awaited him.

Alan Chadd felt his own eyes fill with tears. So this was what it felt like to see that light shine on somebody else. This was what it was like to stand in the dark and watch the one you love reach for all he's ever wanted and needed - to watch him reach for the sun.

~ ~ ~

Captain Pellew met with his new senior officers for lunch, and as they conversed, it soon became apparent that they could not have wished for a better captain. Pellew was clearly a kind and intelligent man - perhaps a little gruff on the surface, but compassionate and fair.

Even while Alan's heart was breaking, he felt infinite gratitude that the captain would be deserving of his gift. He knew instinctively that once Pellew realized it was there for him, he would know how lucky he was and welcome it... welcome _Horatio_ with open arms.

"Lieutenant Chadd?" Pellew addressed his absent-minded officer.

"Aye, sir?" Alan gathered his wits about him as quickly as he could, realizing that everyone else but Christian had left the captain's dining room.

"Lieutenant Chadd, I take it you agree with Lieutenant Eccleston?"

Alan quickly scrambled through his mind, attempting to remember what the most recent topic of conversation had been. He had to admit to himself that he had not been paying attention. After a quick glance at Christian, he turned and said, "I do, captain."

"Good, good... I shall have him sent for then."

Alan's eyes widened. "Sir?"

"Your midshipman Hornblower. I should like to talk to him in person."

"Aye, sir." Alan frowned.

Chadd and Eccleston excused themselves once Alan had volunteered to give Hornblower the message.

Outside the captain's cabin, Eccleston stopped Chadd with one hand on his arm. "I merely answered the questions he had about Keene's report. He was concerned about the duel, but I hope to have made it clear enough that Hornblower bears no fault."

Seeing Alan's worried look, Eccleston added, "Captain Pellew is a good man, Alan. It will not take him long to learn Hornblower's nature, and he will not blame him."

"I know." And Alan did. He truly did. He smiled briefly and - leaving a sighing Eccleston behind - went to find Horatio.

~ ~ ~

"To the captain's cabin?" Horatio asked nervously.

"Don't worry, he merely wants to meet you." Alan had to smile at the panic in Horatio's eyes. "You'd better not let him wait, Horatio."

"Yes." Horatio cleared his throat and shrugged on his uniform coat. "Do I look presentable?" he asked with concern.

"More than that, my dear. You look ravishing." Alan said softly and smiled, hoping Horatio would not notice that his voice was a little unstable.

Horatio quite innocently declared, "I do not believe that 'ravishing' is going to impress the captain."

He had picked up his hat and turned away, thus missing Alan's muttered, "You might be surprised."

"Well then." Horatio looked around carefully, ensuring that there was no one else in the midshipmen's mess. He was about to kiss Alan's cheek, but Alan's shocked gasp stopped such a dangerous display. Horatio smiled and then hurried off to meet his captain.

Alan waited for Horatio to close the door behind him. Then he sank down on a chair and rested his head in his hands.

~ ~ ~

Horatio felt that things were not at all going well in the captain's cabin. He had just been called 'impudent' and Captain Pellew seemed most angry with him. Although it did confuse him when the captain said he would not lose men to no better cause than the satisfaction of their own vanity. Much more than like a warning, it sounded like... concern?

Unfortunately, a stubborn streak in Horatio had forced him to argue, and when he had defended what he himself knew full well to have been shortcomings on behalf of Captain Keene, he had apparently only succeeded in further angering Captain Pellew.

This was a very bad start, Horatio thought, unaware that despite his lowered eyes and quieter voice, his defensiveness was written all over his face.

When Pellew looked at him briefly as if assessing him, and then continued to talk in a voice which was much softer, Horatio grew most confused. And once he was given the responsibility of his own division, his mind was a complete blank.

A moment ago, he had felt certain that his new captain would make it very hard for him to earn his trust. And yet, he was to be given a chance to prove himself so soon?

"I cannot afford to feed men who do not pull their own weight," Pellew declared.

"No, sir," Horatio agreed, his nerves in a jumble.

"You will make them work or _you_ will answer for it. Is that understood?"

Horatio gulped. "Yes, sir." He tried hard not to look directly at Pellew so that his confusion wouldn't show, but just before he left, he did look, only to find the captain's eyes on him.

Pellew's gaze was searching, seemingly taking in every detail of Horatio's face. It was a most unsettling moment, and yet... there was a kind regard in those eyes which gave Horatio a warm, secure feeling.

Horatio withstood the scrutiny, concentrating on the kindness rather than the seriousness. And in doing so, he found the captain's eyes softening further, as though in surprise. Moments passed without either of them diverting his eyes, and the warm glow Horatio had felt grew into something more substantial but yet unnamed.

"Anything else, Mister Hornblower?" Pellew finally asked in an odd tone of voice.

"I..." Horatio shook his head. "No, sir. Thank you, sir. For the opportunity."

Pellew nearly smiled then. "You will find that any officer who shows himself worthy of my trust can expect to be given plenty of opportunities, Mister Hornblower."

Oh, how he wanted to earn the captain's trust! Horatio sighed. He knew without fail - even now, on his first day aboard the _Indefatigable_ \- that he had never wanted anything as much. "Aye, sir."

Pellew nodded, watching Hornblower's nervous retreat to his cabin door with suppressed amusement.

Once Hornblower had closed the captain's door behind himself, he stopped dead and leaned back against the wall. His heart was thumping, his hands were clammy, and his face felt flushed. He even for a moment considered seeing the ship's surgeon, for he had _never_ felt like this before.

Replaying the meeting with Pellew in his mind and recalling the captain's stern but kind eyes, the sharply drawn but gentle mouth, the rigid but elegant posture and the firm but warm voice, Horatio found himself somewhat terrified and yet... he felt suddenly inexplicably happy.

~ ~ ~

Being unable to talk to Alan for the next few hours, Horatio found that even as he got himself physically settled in on his new ship, he came to _feel_ more and more restless. And he realized towards the end of that first day onboard _Indefatigable_ that all thought of Simpson had fled from his mind. In fact, _Justinian_ already seemed like nothing but a distant memory, almost as though a new life had begun on this very day.

It was disturbing and yet calming, and Horatio realized that for the first time, he felt gratitude for having been assigned to this new posting. No, more than gratitude... he felt that this was where he needed to be. That this ship somehow held his destiny. He didn't know what the future had in store for him - perhaps the _Indefatigable_ would see him fight a glorious battle, perhaps she would see him die... but no, there was something else. Something infinitely grander than either victory or his life's demise.

Horatio used the short span of free time he and the other new officers had been given - not to familiarize himself with his new ship, but to familiarize himself with these new, overpowering emotions. The ship already felt like home. Horatio's own heart and mind however felt like strangers to him.

And... what was he to make of his reaction to his new captain?

This was the question foremost on Horatio's mind when he settled himself beside the ship's bell. Certainly, Captain Pellew was as different to Captain Keene as he could be. And without a doubt, he was one of the best officers to ever sail in His Majesty's Navy - the man's reputation was unrivaled. There was no doubt in Horatio's mind that he could not have been assigned to a better captain. So this was the feeling then, he told himself, smiling with satisfaction at the perfectly reasonable conclusion - it was pride. Yes, pride!

But when Horatio looked up, his smile died on his lips. There he was - Captain Sir Edward Pellew. He had just come up on deck and taken up a most commanding stance next to one of the lieutenants - a rosy-faced, stocky man with a warm and pleasant smile; Horatio thought he'd heard him addressed as Bracegirdle earlier.

Oh dear heavens! The captain had noticed Horatio's eyes on him and nodded a brief greeting towards him. Horatio returned the gesture, certain he was flushing scarlet under the captain's searching gaze.

Quickly diverting his eyes, Horatio determined that he would simply think of something else. Alan. Yes, he would think of Alan, even though it hurt to do so since his lover had decided to stand firm by his decision that their liaison was not to continue. Horatio's heart sank when he remembered Alan's words back on _Justinian_. It still hurt that Alan had been so sure Horatio's feelings for him were not love. How could he be so certain? And why, if Horatio did not love Alan, did it pain him so much that his former lover kept him at a distance?

Alan could be wrong. He simply _had_ to be wrong. Certainly he loved him. Alan was a wonderful man - kind, tender, understanding... truly a rare jewel among humankind. And Horatio determined that he did not want to lose him. He had to tell him that he did love him. How hard could it be to say the words when they were true? And why had he not said them earlier?

Perhaps he needed to taste the words on his own lips first? Horatio's tongue snaked out, moistening the way for this all-important declaration. He closed his eyes, imagining Alan standing in front of him. And he softly whispered the words. "I love you."

"Ahem."

Horatio's eyes flew open, and he felt the ground fall away from beneath him. "Captain Pellew!" he exclaimed, only to next be assaulted by the ear-shattering sound of the ship's bell being struck right beside him. He turned quickly, finding Cleveland at the task.

At that moment, he realized that if the captain stood right in front of him now, he must have been there a moment ago when he had... Horatio's head snapped back around.

"Mister Hornblower." The captain's voice was a little uneven when he addressed Horatio. "Would you kindly..."

Horatio prayed to all the gods of the Sea and the Land that Pellew had not heard his words. Perhaps he had been too far away. Yes, that was certainly the case. Even so, he could not help but look up fearfully, finding the captain's eyes penetrating him. Right then, Horatio wanted nothing more than to be struck down where he sat.

Sat! Oh dear! Horatio jumped to his feet, aware he was breaking protocol in addition to his most inopportunely timed declaration a moment ago.

"Forgive me, captain." Horatio bit his lip and stood at attention, praying that he would not make a worse mess of things.

"Mister Hornblower," Pellew repeated, his gaze a curious mix of confusion, anger and amusement. "At your ease, sir."

Horatio did his best to comply, but failed miserably. How could he be at ease when he had just unwittingly declared his love to his captain?

"Would you kindly find Lieutenant Chadd and ask him to come to me," Pellew requested.

Horatio nodded. "Lieutenant Chadd. Aye, sir." And then he simply stood and stared at Pellew.

"Now, if you don't mind, sir." Captain Pellew sighed.

"Forgive me, captain. Of course." Horatio cleared his throat and turned, hurrying away to find Alan.

Bracegirdle approached the captain. "A bit slow, this new midshipman." He chuckled good-naturedly.

Pellew frowned. "Distracted, I think."

Bracegirdle, the smile still on his face, watched Hornblower make his way across the deck to go below. Then he turned to look at Pellew and raised an eyebrow in surprise. He had known the captain for years. Aside from mutual respect, they shared a long-standing friendship. But he could not truthfully remember this particular look on the captain's face.

Pellew's eyes were following Hornblower, but not with his usual detachment. No, Bracegirdle thought, the familiar eyes held much, much more. There was amusement there, understanding and a genuine interest. And then... longing. Or at least that was what Bracegirdle thought he could see. 'What nonsense!' he thought, turning and going back to his own duties.

THE END

  
© and ™ of characters, locations, and some story lines - the estate of C. S. Forester, A &amp; E and possibly other entities; this story was written solely for the entertainment of other fans; no profit is made and no harm or infringement intended.


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